I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
