my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
