So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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