After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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