You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize