i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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