Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
