You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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