I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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