dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
