They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
