i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
