I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize