So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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