Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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