im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Randomize
