Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
