Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
