Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You took a bar mat shot.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
