She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
