I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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