I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
