I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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