Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
