I only kidnapped one of them. chill
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
