where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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