I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
