Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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