please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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