I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
