he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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