I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You are the jesus of drinking
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize