what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize