I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
