Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
