I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
