I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
