I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
