I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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