She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
