Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
