so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
