this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why do cheetos always look like penises
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
