You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
