You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
