You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
