I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
