I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
