well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
