i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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