yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Mom said you looked used
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
