I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
