My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it was like eating out sand paper
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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