I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
