Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
