I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
