You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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