apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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