i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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