Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
