just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
